Princess Wartfoot, The Glee Project and Our Dinner with Danzig

Things have been a bit slow around here.  Audrey has been dealing with a plantar wart on the bottom of her foot that has given her (and consequently me) no end of grief the last few weeks.  Sucker was quite painful and by the time I took her seriously (I plead Boy Who Cried Wolf here...) it was huge and impacting her gait in an obvious way.  Dr. Whitmore here decided that the OTC wart freezing kit was the path for us.  Audrey took it well, albeit very seriously.  We did the treatment and it hurt for a second but was over in under a minute.  After three treatments over a six week period it eventually turned an alarming black color prompting me to recommend to Audrey that she pick at it to 'get that nasty thing out of there'.  Evidence suggests that was the wrong advice as that particular course of action it made it very angry indeed - not to mention freaked the shit out of Princess Wartfoot.  A week of intense neosporin and corn pads later (and I'll admit several serious thoughts about getting her actual medical attention), Audrey was finally able to remove the necrotic tissue, and I am told, merrily deposited the pieces in her bedroom carpet next to her bed.

That reminds me, I need to vacuum.

The girls and I discovered The Glee Project this weekend.  It occurs to me that Ryan Murphy is either a genius or pure evil - perhaps evil genius?  It's on the Oxygen network so maybe Oprah is to blame?  Anyway - way to milk the Glee paradigm and give us yet another talent show but this time with the addition of teenage hormones and career aspirations.  But I watched it.  Then I took a shower.  I still feel guilty.

Yesterday we had a late lunch at our local O'Charley's restaurant.  After the waiter - who incidentally had a headful of curls that would have made Christopher Atkins jealous -  brought our drinks, I noticed Mr. Stone tapping his finger on the table.  As I looked down, this is what I saw...

This may seem vague to you, but after twenty years of marriage I immediately understood that some dude resembling Danzig was dining to my left.  Perhaps some of you may be unfamiliar with Danzig and his body of white hot rock and roll, but let me refresh your memory.  This is Danzig...

To be totally honest I have no idea if this is really Danzig or not.  I got it off the 'interweb' and posted it exclusively because of the super awesome belt buckle he's wearing.  What I know for sure is he's a rocker dude with super long jet black hair who I suspect looks a bit more like this press photo today...

Anyway as I look to my left I see GeorgetownDanzig sitting in a booth at O'Charley's with Nana and Popop Danzig right across from him. 

Many of you who know me know that one of my many serious social flaws is that when I see something interesting I stare with the reckless abandon of a 5-year old.  Now that I have actual children with me much of the time, the problem has gotten significantly worse because now there are three of us to stare with gapemouthed glee at whatever the universe has put in our path.  Mr. Stone has serious concerns we're going to get him beat to a pulp one day.  I fear he may be right.  This is why you have a picture of the note but not the actual GeorgetownDanzig.  I love Mr. Stone too much to endanger him by pulling out my cell phone camera.  My standards are low but I do have them. 

On this day I decided to keep the kids out of the loop because a) how do you describe the force that is Danzig to mere children and b) I wanted to be able to stare all by myself.  GeorgetownDanzig was fantastic by the way with raven tresses reaching to mid back - just the right amount of male-pattern baldness at the crown to make it interesting - and the pale skin and black tee shirt and jeans (that's right - black jeans!) that belied his obvious half century age.  He was seated across from the cutest elderly country people you've ever seen and when the waiter brough GeorgetownDanzig the veggie plate, including loaded potato, I thought I might pass out from joy.  I had barely recovered when the waiter then brought him a 32 ounce tumbler full of milk with a bendy straw which he proceeded to inhale as he alternated bites of potato and broccoli casserole.

Thinking The Universe could give me no more beauty than that, I was unprepared for the sight of the black comb (you know the kind with the rounded tail from junior high?) nestled in his jeans pocket as he followed Nana and Popop Danzig out of the restaurant.  I have been blessed indeed. 

Oh and in case you are wondering, Popop Danzig picked up the tab.

I've been smiling ever since.  

Things have been really weird around here lately...

For example, it's 9:15 Thursday morning and I am sitting here in my silent house, drinking a cup of coffee, loyal dog at my side, typing this.  I just woke up about 10 minutes ago but what's even weirder is that my children are still sleeping!!

And here's another weird one for you - yesterday I overheard the following conversation:

Lilly:  (working on the computer) 'Audrey!  Would you come down here when you get a minute?  No rush but just when you get a chance?'
Audrey: (from upstairs) 'Sure.  I'll come right now - no problem!'
Lilly: 'Can you help me figure out this Webkinz thing?  I can't get it to change to a new animal.'
Audrey:  'Oh! I know just what to do!'
Lilly:  'Oh thanks Aud!  Wanna play Webkinz with me?  We can decorate a room.  You pick!'

I'm sorry, what the hell?!?!

After scouring the house and determining that Aston Kutcher was not in fact there, I had to accept I was not being punked.  This left me only two obvious conclusions a) either my children had be come the human handpuppets of incredibly polite aliens, or b) they were evolving into actual human beings.  Jury is still out on this one, but don't count out the aliens just yet.

As a result of their recent stellar behaviour we took a trip to the mall.  I avoid the mall for the obvious reasons but I needed to have my wedding rings re-rhodium plated (who the hell knew right?!?) so off we went to address my suburban housewife jewelry problem.  Can't have the bling looking all dull now can we?

So okay ladies - do you remember the store 'DEB'?  It specialized in slightly trashy looking poorly made clothing catering to the junior high demographic.  I had not seen or thought of this store in probably 25 years but turns not only does this store still exist but there is one at the mall.  My Audrey is a chocoholic - except for fancy dresses.  She literally ran into Deb and ran back out, eyes all dialted and nostrils flaring to declare 'Mommy - I am in dress heaven!  You have to come help me!'

Sadly for Red, her complete lack of bustline made finding a dress there impossible.  Not that I'd have let her get one anyhow - slightly trashy look aside, stuff at the mall is seriously expensive!  Since when does a kid's dress need to cost $35?!

This was when I finally saw the light and took them to the thrift store.  Best part - they now think I'm a genius!  We spent over an hour in the fitting room (are you as surprised as me that the thrift store has a fitting room?) and left with a haul of clothes for about $10.  Between this and my extreme couponing I'm becoming quite a piece of work!  I'm a quirk or two away from my own reality show.

For those keeping track at home, Lilly and I invented an AWESOME ice cream recipe last week!  Easy and fast and it really was good!  Because I like you, I'll give you the recipe:

Cookies and Cream Ice Cream
1 large pack instant cookies and cream flavor pudding mix (I assume this would work with any flavor)
4 cups of milk (use whatever combination of cream, half and half and/or regular milk you please)
pinch of salt
teaspoon vanilla

Mix and chill in the fridge until its good and cold before putting it in the ice cream machine.

Oh, and the meatballs turned out terrible!  I forgot I only had about 2/3 lb of meat and used too much bread so they fell apart but made a very tasty meat sauce.  Will need a do-over on that one.  I've been making Grandma Lavorini's meatballs for 15 years and the time I try to teach Lilly I screwed it up!  Yeesh!

Hold on a minute...

Still silence.

I've got to go.  Need to go make sure my alien handpuppets are still alive.  It's nearly 10 am and I'm getting worried...

Last Day of School, Fun with Balloons, and Satisfying My Puppy Lust at the Expense of My Sister...

School ended for the girls last week.  Someone please explain to me what it is about teachers that makes them have to create that end of year photo montage set to some stupid sappy country song about how your-kids-are-growing-up-fast-and-are-soon-going-to-leave-you-forever-and-not-even-call-you-anymore-so-you-better-enjoy-it-while-it-lasts, simply to make parents cry? 

It's just mean.

Got through it though.  Lilly got one of three class voted awards so she was proud.  She got the Citizenship Award for being sweet and polite to everyone.  Obviously 'everyone' excludes her sister.  No one's that perfect, right?

Audrey decided to wear her Easter dress to school the last day.  She marched in proud as a peacock in her meringue dress (Audrey:  'it has FIVE layers!') much to the delight of teachers and staff.  She and her 'boy toys' got the Three Musketeers Award.  You may remember Audrey, Dillon and Jonathan from such antics as 'tagging Enrique on his last day of school so he'd be 'it forever'.  These three are thick as thieves and I am loving that at age 9 there are still no real gender issues with them playing together.  I do fear for the future though...

My sister and her kids came in from Atlanta last week to visit.  Turns out, don't come to my house saying you are thinking about getting a puppy because by God you will leave with a dog!  She'd been considering getting a mini Australian Shepherd - yeah, I didn't know they made them in different sizes either, go figure - but was having trouble locating a breeder and generally pulling the trigger on the whole thing.  The siren song of rolling around in a bunch of puppies caused in me some sort of mental shift into tunnel vision puppy acquisition mode.  Twenty four hours later I had located the specimen and within four days said specimen was licking my face with reckless abandon.  Wanna see her?  Of course you do!!

All went well until we a) realized that the old lady who owned her miscounted her birth date and that we were currently in possession of a 4 WEEK OLD puppy and b) they tried to name her.  Sweet Georgia Brown I thought they'd never pick a name.  I swear I named both my children in a fraction of the time it took to christen this dog!  My sister, Mr. Stone and I sat around a table for literally hours brainstorming names for this creature as though the human race depended on us choosing well.  The list was edited and re-edited and although written predominantly in crayon, treated like the holy grail that it was for several days.  After a couple of false starts (she spent some time as Bluebell and Luna) they left for home with a dog named Phoebe but arrived with a dog now named Chewbaca aka Chewie. 

So that happened.  But I got to roll around in puppy love for a few days an my poor sister is home with a very young dog who is day night confused.  Sorry Sis!  (insert evil laugh here)

The family is now gone and we are onto summer proper.  The girls have recently developed an obsession with water balloons, but not like you're thinking I'll bet.  In typical girly fashion they create their balloons and rather than chucking them higgilty pigglty at each other, they name them and carry them around like babies.  That is until Lilly decides to screw with her sister and 'accidentally' break one of her 'children'.  It's so sad when water babies explode you know...

The water balloon phase has morphed into blow up balloon fun with Audrey.  Every time I turn around these days she's marching about the house with a balloon shoved under her clothes.  The best part is that she doesn't even insist on showing me all her creations because I suspect she's just doing it to amuse herself, which of course amuses ME greatly.  I did get one shot though I pray I'm not seeing a glimpse of the near future...  (for the record although you can't see it here, she also greatly enhanced her booty)

On the cooking front, we have discovered that we prefer eggless ice cream recipes.  All the kids made me a birthday cake last week.  It was heavy on the sprinkles and M&Ms which is of course, just how I like it.  Tonight we make meatballs.  I'll let you know how that goes.