We got back from vacation a few days ago.  On our way down to Florida we stopped in Tennessee for a family get-together with Mr. Stone's side of the family.  We'd been invited by my brother-in-law's SpecialLadyFriend to spend the weekend at her lake house.  By calling it a 'lake house' I mean only that it is in fact a house located on a lake; however, that is where any comparison to any other lake house you may have ever seen in your life ends. 

You see, my brother-in-law dates a woman of considerable means.  She's a lovely and generous person to boot, but I have to admit that to me, she seems to live such a shockingly extravagant lifestyle that it's really sometimes difficult to get my head around it.  And it's SUPER hard to to explain to my children.

This is our second real experience with this.  The first time was about two years ago right after Mr. Stone's brother and his SpecialLadyFriend began dating.  The Christmas before our visit my BIL gave my MIL a mink coat for Christmas.  Just a little something to wear to Kroger I suppose.  No I'm not pro-furs, but hell, when you are 80 I figure you can wear a mink to the toilet if you want to.  Anyhow, turns out there's a lot I didn't know about being rich, one of which is that evidently minks like to be stored in a cool vault in the summertime.  Who knew, right?  So we got a call that we were invited to to to Nashville in October to participate in the emancipation of Grandma's mink from cold storage.

I of course wouldn't have missed that for the world!

So off we went.  The girls were about 6 and 8 at the time.  Mink liberated from cold storage?  Check!  Then my BIL asked if we wanted to see his SpecialLadyFriend's house.  Shit yeah!  I'd heard it was like 45,000 square feet and no realtor worth her salt would miss that.  My BIL then asked my girls if they wanted to ride to the house in his BMW convertible.  Shit yeah again!  Chalk that one off the bucket list at age 6! 

Ride in Beemer convertible.  Check!  The kids were grinning so wide I knew they'd have bugs in their teeth when we arrived.

Anyway we get there and it's truly the largest and most amazing place I've ever seen in my life.  We were given the grand tour of the home, but for my money the best part of the whole house was the basement.  The basement contained a 3000 bottle wine cellar and tasting room (she's part owner of a Napa vineyard or something like that), a panic room with a urinal that I was told was installed expressly for George H. W. Bush at the request of secret service during his appearance at a fundraiser many years ago, and a gift and gift wrapping room that had piles upon piles of mink bedazzled jackets, handbags, and other last minute gift items.  As we passed through the gift room my children were given an armload of stuffed toys, hair ornaments and other fantastic items and my MIL received a brand new handbag. 

SWAG?  Check!

We walked upstairs with our loot where preparations were underway for her son's 16th birthday party.  She then asked the girls if they wanted to take some apples to feed the horses (that's horseS plural - as in more than one).  Shit yeah!  Off we went to the stables. 

Horses viewed, petted and fed tasty treats?  Check! 

We walked down around the lake that was in the process of being dyed blue for the birthday boy (and no, do you really think I have the imagination to make that up?) where we encountered a trampoline much to the girls delight.  Of course there's a trampoline!  And yes, obviously you must jump on it - no question!  Trampoline jumped on?  Check!

Getting back to normal daily non-convertible riding life was quite an adjustment for the girls after that trip.  (No we cannot dig a lake in the back yard and dye it blue...!)  So it was with great anticipation that we made the sojourn to the lake house last week.  We knew it was big - we'd been prepared that there were 23 beds in the property.

Audrey:  'Mommy, they have 23 beds!  Can you even imagine such a thing?!  This is the nicest lake house I've ever seen!' 
(Also the only lake house she's ever seen but...)
Me:  'No I can't.  And it's the nicest place 99% of the people on the entire EARTH have ever seen so take a good hard look my dear.'

The house was constructed using the material from four old log cabins that were meticulously disassembled, numbered and reassembled on site.  The place was amazing and did in fact, have 23 beds.  I had Audrey count them.  Twice.  There were some trundles that caused us some problems at first, but we did eventually get an accurate count.

Twenty-three bed count verified?  Check!

What I soon realized that having an amazing lake house was not the whole deal - the crux of the matter was staffing.  If you want to fully experience it, you need a housekeeper to keep things tidy, a cook to keep you in tasty meals and snacks, and a couple of guys to make sure the boats and jet skis are full of gas and operational. 

Army of friendly helpful staff?  Check!

Oh, and then you need your lake house wine cellar.  Amazing wine stored and served at the proper temperature?  Check!

The rest of the trip was a blur of wine and watersports.  I did not attend the inaugural jet ski event and what I heard after the girls returned home did give me pause...

Audrey/Lilly: (more or less simultaneously)  Mommywewentonjetskisanditwassocoolandthenwejumpedofftheroof!
Me:  You did what now?
Lilly:  We jumped off the roof of the dock!
Me:  You jumped off the dock?
Lilly/Audrey:  We jumped off the ROOF of the dock!
Me: Wha-!
Audrey:  And I jumped off a super high rock cliff

At this point there was an audible SNAP as my head whipped around so quickly to glare at Mr. Stone that it broke the sound barrier.

Mr. Stone was staring sheepishly at his shoes with that 'yeah, I know, the whole situation kinda got away from me' look on his face.

After assurances that they had been wearing life vests and that it was all quite safe I settled down.  That is until I joined them for the afternoon jaunt and the whole thing was recreated for my benefit and I actually SAW what they had been permitted to do!

THIS is them jumping off the dock...

And this is my baby jumping off what looks to me like one of those enormous Mexican cliffs...

AreyoufreakingKIDDINGme?!?!  I was told one time this is why you have two parents cause their fear-of-heights Momma would have never green-lighted that one!

Death defied?  Check!  And that is all I'm going to say about that.

Suffice it to say that a fantastic time was had by all and after two days my children were ready to chuck the entire beach vacation in lieu of staying at the most fantastic place ever.  It was quite an adjustment to experience life in a Florida gulfview condo with no staff, wine cellar or watercraft, but somehow we muddled through...

I don't understand 'The Twitter'.  I've actually tried.  I have an IPhone and I'm on 'The Facebook' - so I'm not a complete technotard.  But Twitter just eludes me.  I have an account but I largely follow celebrity chefs and Aziz Anasari and Jon Stewart.  The thing is - I don't understand what in the hell they are saying most of the time.  I've been okay with that but lately I've been noticing this 'touch the celebrety' phenomenon.  There are people out there who seem to have made a hobby out of trying to get 'celebreties' - and I have this word in quotes here because most of these are not A-listers - to notice them or 'retweet' them.  I find this funny.  I guess it's the 21st century equivalent of an autograph.  I also get a kick out of how thin skinned most people are.  Until recently Alton Brown has been my favorite celeb chef but he made the mistake of embracing The Twitter.  Turns out he's a total pussy.  Such a shame...

Speaking of celebrity chefs, we went to Hotlanta last weekend and my sister and I dined at Woodfire Grill.  This is the restaurant of Top Chef 'second winner' Kevin Gillespie.  I'm not good enough to even call myself a 'foodie' but I do love to cook and eat and more importantly, watch people cook and eat on tv, so this was kind of a 'bucket list' experience.  What was super fun was the gravitas with which the wait staff discussed the cuisine.  I've in all seriousness heard less serious debates on Darfur. The merits of various types of BBQ were parsed down to the smallest detail and the 'Mixologist' (he called himself this without the slightest hint of shame or snark) made me an amazing cocktail that when he described the ingredients to me my response was simply 'I didn't understand most of the words you just said to me but it's delicious'.

Sorry this one is short but I've got to go pack.  Tomorrow we head to Florida because it's simply not hot enough this far north.  We need surface of the sun temperatures.  We'll be vacationing in the 'Redneck Riviera" aka Destin Fl.  Actually we'll be in Rosemary Beach with the kids and my Mother in Law.  I feel sure there will be stories.  I'll bring the computer.  Oh, and lots of vodka.

Chumbawumba Week...

In the process of 'getting up again' after a sorta crappy week.  I found out I didn't get a job I was hoping for which sucks, although in truth, it probably is for the best (as you can see the rationalization part of the process has already begun).  And there has been a pox in our house.  I hesitate writing this because at this moment only two of us have gone down with the plague aka 'stomach flu' and I fear that I've not heard the last of it.  I'm also distracted because as I type Brad is watching Wimbledon and all I can hear are the howler monkey shreaks of Ms. Sharapova.  I'd ask him to turn it off but we've been married twenty some-odd years and I can't deny him the opportunity to look at a pretty girl who is good at tennis.  I suspect he kind of likes the screams.  I find it's best not to think too long on these things.

Speaking of tennis, Audrey challenged me to a match this morning.  (I pause here for your laughter to subside).  Brad's glee at the thought of such a titanic match up was palpable.  I suspect that even if such a game should occur determining a winner may be difficult as neither of us are clear on how to keep score.

To top it all off Lilly broke her iPhone.  I know what you are thinking - what the hell kind of mother gets her 11 year old child an iPhone?  In my defense, she asked for an iTouch like all her friends have but those are freaking expensive!!  I got her an iPhone for free from ATT but she has no data plan.  I'm not insane.  WiFi only.  And between us, I actually snagged the new phone for myself and gave her my old slow 3G.  Don't tell her - I think she suspects though...

Anyhow, Lilly showed up at the door to my room looking like Audrey had been hit by a car and with a trembling hand showed me the shattered screen on her precious phone.  I have to admit I felt so bad for her.  She's actually very responsible for a kid her age and oh my sweet heavens does she love that phone?!  She texts my mother and Brad's brother good night every single night which of course they love, but the fact is - those phones are super pricey and I'm not buying her a new one.

Luckily the thing was still working so I go online to see if the screen can be fixed.  Turns out you can buy the part for like ten bucks but after watching the YouTube video on how to do it, I realized my chances of doing more harm than good were roughly 95%.  In the process I find an ad on Craigslist for a local repair guy.  Most of the places were charging $50-100 for screen repair but this guy listed $30-40.  Lilly had exactly $32 saved so I called and left a message. 

About three hours later I get a phone call:

Me:  Hello
Voice:  (super high pitched and girlish) Yes, you needed a phone fixed
Me:  Um yes.  Are you twelve?
Voice:  I'm a girl.
Me:  I could tell that part.  Are you a TWELVE year old girl?
Voice:  No.  I'm in college.
Me:  Okay.  Well, my daughter dropped her phone and I need the screen replaced.  I looked on YouTube but I'm pretty sure I'll just screw it up if I try.
Voice:  Well if you saw the YouTube video you know there is a lot to the repair.  I do most of it at home and then meet you and just replace the screen there.  Takes like 10-15 minutes.
Me:  Okay.  So, you do it in the car?!
Voice:  Yeah.  It's $30 if I use a replacement screen and $45 if it's new.
Me:  Well a replacement one is fine...
Voice:  Okay.  I'll see if I have one.  Do you want to meet tonight?  I'm actually kind of bored...
Me: (looking at the clock to see that it's 10:15 pm) Um, it's a bit late for me...how about tomorrow?
Voice:  Okay but sometime after noon.  Can you meet me at the Sonic on Broadway?
Me: Sure.  Sounds a bit sketchy and exciting.  I'll see you tomorrow.
Voice:  Ok.

She hangs up.  I of course am tickled shitless that I'm about to surruptitiously meet a nocturnal twelve year old college girl in a parking lot to get my kids phone fixed.  Awesome.   I have to admit I did have second thoughts about this but at this point I simply had to see it through.  The curiousity was killing me.

The next day I called Brad to tell him what I was up to and suggest he call me in thirty minutes just in case I'd contracted my phone repair needs to a serial killer.

Thirty minutes late the chick finally pulls into the parking lot.  She looked to be of middle eastern descent and had clearly just woken up.  Her (I'm guessing) surfer dude boyfriend hopped immediately from the passenger side and popped the trunk as a large man made a beeline for the car.  Wheee!  Now it's getting good!  Who knows what kind of commerce I've stumbled on?  At this point I decided to take a picture in case the police had questions later.

The chick takes my phone back to her vehicle and replaces the screen - and I have to point out it has these little teeny tiny screws - in the promised 15 minutes.  Eventually I join the trunk party (I did insist the children stay in the car!) to find that they were selling phone cases too - one stop shopping!  She charged me $40 for a brand new iphone screen and threw in a case - I did have to wait 30 minutes for her to arrive after all!

So Lilly has her phone back and I got a weird story all for $40.  A bargain at twice the price!

Princess Wartfoot, The Glee Project and Our Dinner with Danzig

Things have been a bit slow around here.  Audrey has been dealing with a plantar wart on the bottom of her foot that has given her (and consequently me) no end of grief the last few weeks.  Sucker was quite painful and by the time I took her seriously (I plead Boy Who Cried Wolf here...) it was huge and impacting her gait in an obvious way.  Dr. Whitmore here decided that the OTC wart freezing kit was the path for us.  Audrey took it well, albeit very seriously.  We did the treatment and it hurt for a second but was over in under a minute.  After three treatments over a six week period it eventually turned an alarming black color prompting me to recommend to Audrey that she pick at it to 'get that nasty thing out of there'.  Evidence suggests that was the wrong advice as that particular course of action it made it very angry indeed - not to mention freaked the shit out of Princess Wartfoot.  A week of intense neosporin and corn pads later (and I'll admit several serious thoughts about getting her actual medical attention), Audrey was finally able to remove the necrotic tissue, and I am told, merrily deposited the pieces in her bedroom carpet next to her bed.

That reminds me, I need to vacuum.

The girls and I discovered The Glee Project this weekend.  It occurs to me that Ryan Murphy is either a genius or pure evil - perhaps evil genius?  It's on the Oxygen network so maybe Oprah is to blame?  Anyway - way to milk the Glee paradigm and give us yet another talent show but this time with the addition of teenage hormones and career aspirations.  But I watched it.  Then I took a shower.  I still feel guilty.

Yesterday we had a late lunch at our local O'Charley's restaurant.  After the waiter - who incidentally had a headful of curls that would have made Christopher Atkins jealous -  brought our drinks, I noticed Mr. Stone tapping his finger on the table.  As I looked down, this is what I saw...

This may seem vague to you, but after twenty years of marriage I immediately understood that some dude resembling Danzig was dining to my left.  Perhaps some of you may be unfamiliar with Danzig and his body of white hot rock and roll, but let me refresh your memory.  This is Danzig...

To be totally honest I have no idea if this is really Danzig or not.  I got it off the 'interweb' and posted it exclusively because of the super awesome belt buckle he's wearing.  What I know for sure is he's a rocker dude with super long jet black hair who I suspect looks a bit more like this press photo today...

Anyway as I look to my left I see GeorgetownDanzig sitting in a booth at O'Charley's with Nana and Popop Danzig right across from him. 

Many of you who know me know that one of my many serious social flaws is that when I see something interesting I stare with the reckless abandon of a 5-year old.  Now that I have actual children with me much of the time, the problem has gotten significantly worse because now there are three of us to stare with gapemouthed glee at whatever the universe has put in our path.  Mr. Stone has serious concerns we're going to get him beat to a pulp one day.  I fear he may be right.  This is why you have a picture of the note but not the actual GeorgetownDanzig.  I love Mr. Stone too much to endanger him by pulling out my cell phone camera.  My standards are low but I do have them. 

On this day I decided to keep the kids out of the loop because a) how do you describe the force that is Danzig to mere children and b) I wanted to be able to stare all by myself.  GeorgetownDanzig was fantastic by the way with raven tresses reaching to mid back - just the right amount of male-pattern baldness at the crown to make it interesting - and the pale skin and black tee shirt and jeans (that's right - black jeans!) that belied his obvious half century age.  He was seated across from the cutest elderly country people you've ever seen and when the waiter brough GeorgetownDanzig the veggie plate, including loaded potato, I thought I might pass out from joy.  I had barely recovered when the waiter then brought him a 32 ounce tumbler full of milk with a bendy straw which he proceeded to inhale as he alternated bites of potato and broccoli casserole.

Thinking The Universe could give me no more beauty than that, I was unprepared for the sight of the black comb (you know the kind with the rounded tail from junior high?) nestled in his jeans pocket as he followed Nana and Popop Danzig out of the restaurant.  I have been blessed indeed. 

Oh and in case you are wondering, Popop Danzig picked up the tab.

I've been smiling ever since.  

Things have been really weird around here lately...

For example, it's 9:15 Thursday morning and I am sitting here in my silent house, drinking a cup of coffee, loyal dog at my side, typing this.  I just woke up about 10 minutes ago but what's even weirder is that my children are still sleeping!!

And here's another weird one for you - yesterday I overheard the following conversation:

Lilly:  (working on the computer) 'Audrey!  Would you come down here when you get a minute?  No rush but just when you get a chance?'
Audrey: (from upstairs) 'Sure.  I'll come right now - no problem!'
Lilly: 'Can you help me figure out this Webkinz thing?  I can't get it to change to a new animal.'
Audrey:  'Oh! I know just what to do!'
Lilly:  'Oh thanks Aud!  Wanna play Webkinz with me?  We can decorate a room.  You pick!'

I'm sorry, what the hell?!?!

After scouring the house and determining that Aston Kutcher was not in fact there, I had to accept I was not being punked.  This left me only two obvious conclusions a) either my children had be come the human handpuppets of incredibly polite aliens, or b) they were evolving into actual human beings.  Jury is still out on this one, but don't count out the aliens just yet.

As a result of their recent stellar behaviour we took a trip to the mall.  I avoid the mall for the obvious reasons but I needed to have my wedding rings re-rhodium plated (who the hell knew right?!?) so off we went to address my suburban housewife jewelry problem.  Can't have the bling looking all dull now can we?

So okay ladies - do you remember the store 'DEB'?  It specialized in slightly trashy looking poorly made clothing catering to the junior high demographic.  I had not seen or thought of this store in probably 25 years but turns not only does this store still exist but there is one at the mall.  My Audrey is a chocoholic - except for fancy dresses.  She literally ran into Deb and ran back out, eyes all dialted and nostrils flaring to declare 'Mommy - I am in dress heaven!  You have to come help me!'

Sadly for Red, her complete lack of bustline made finding a dress there impossible.  Not that I'd have let her get one anyhow - slightly trashy look aside, stuff at the mall is seriously expensive!  Since when does a kid's dress need to cost $35?!

This was when I finally saw the light and took them to the thrift store.  Best part - they now think I'm a genius!  We spent over an hour in the fitting room (are you as surprised as me that the thrift store has a fitting room?) and left with a haul of clothes for about $10.  Between this and my extreme couponing I'm becoming quite a piece of work!  I'm a quirk or two away from my own reality show.

For those keeping track at home, Lilly and I invented an AWESOME ice cream recipe last week!  Easy and fast and it really was good!  Because I like you, I'll give you the recipe:

Cookies and Cream Ice Cream
1 large pack instant cookies and cream flavor pudding mix (I assume this would work with any flavor)
4 cups of milk (use whatever combination of cream, half and half and/or regular milk you please)
pinch of salt
teaspoon vanilla

Mix and chill in the fridge until its good and cold before putting it in the ice cream machine.

Oh, and the meatballs turned out terrible!  I forgot I only had about 2/3 lb of meat and used too much bread so they fell apart but made a very tasty meat sauce.  Will need a do-over on that one.  I've been making Grandma Lavorini's meatballs for 15 years and the time I try to teach Lilly I screwed it up!  Yeesh!

Hold on a minute...

Still silence.

I've got to go.  Need to go make sure my alien handpuppets are still alive.  It's nearly 10 am and I'm getting worried...

Last Day of School, Fun with Balloons, and Satisfying My Puppy Lust at the Expense of My Sister...

School ended for the girls last week.  Someone please explain to me what it is about teachers that makes them have to create that end of year photo montage set to some stupid sappy country song about how your-kids-are-growing-up-fast-and-are-soon-going-to-leave-you-forever-and-not-even-call-you-anymore-so-you-better-enjoy-it-while-it-lasts, simply to make parents cry? 

It's just mean.

Got through it though.  Lilly got one of three class voted awards so she was proud.  She got the Citizenship Award for being sweet and polite to everyone.  Obviously 'everyone' excludes her sister.  No one's that perfect, right?

Audrey decided to wear her Easter dress to school the last day.  She marched in proud as a peacock in her meringue dress (Audrey:  'it has FIVE layers!') much to the delight of teachers and staff.  She and her 'boy toys' got the Three Musketeers Award.  You may remember Audrey, Dillon and Jonathan from such antics as 'tagging Enrique on his last day of school so he'd be 'it forever'.  These three are thick as thieves and I am loving that at age 9 there are still no real gender issues with them playing together.  I do fear for the future though...

My sister and her kids came in from Atlanta last week to visit.  Turns out, don't come to my house saying you are thinking about getting a puppy because by God you will leave with a dog!  She'd been considering getting a mini Australian Shepherd - yeah, I didn't know they made them in different sizes either, go figure - but was having trouble locating a breeder and generally pulling the trigger on the whole thing.  The siren song of rolling around in a bunch of puppies caused in me some sort of mental shift into tunnel vision puppy acquisition mode.  Twenty four hours later I had located the specimen and within four days said specimen was licking my face with reckless abandon.  Wanna see her?  Of course you do!!

All went well until we a) realized that the old lady who owned her miscounted her birth date and that we were currently in possession of a 4 WEEK OLD puppy and b) they tried to name her.  Sweet Georgia Brown I thought they'd never pick a name.  I swear I named both my children in a fraction of the time it took to christen this dog!  My sister, Mr. Stone and I sat around a table for literally hours brainstorming names for this creature as though the human race depended on us choosing well.  The list was edited and re-edited and although written predominantly in crayon, treated like the holy grail that it was for several days.  After a couple of false starts (she spent some time as Bluebell and Luna) they left for home with a dog named Phoebe but arrived with a dog now named Chewbaca aka Chewie. 

So that happened.  But I got to roll around in puppy love for a few days an my poor sister is home with a very young dog who is day night confused.  Sorry Sis!  (insert evil laugh here)

The family is now gone and we are onto summer proper.  The girls have recently developed an obsession with water balloons, but not like you're thinking I'll bet.  In typical girly fashion they create their balloons and rather than chucking them higgilty pigglty at each other, they name them and carry them around like babies.  That is until Lilly decides to screw with her sister and 'accidentally' break one of her 'children'.  It's so sad when water babies explode you know...

The water balloon phase has morphed into blow up balloon fun with Audrey.  Every time I turn around these days she's marching about the house with a balloon shoved under her clothes.  The best part is that she doesn't even insist on showing me all her creations because I suspect she's just doing it to amuse herself, which of course amuses ME greatly.  I did get one shot though I pray I'm not seeing a glimpse of the near future...  (for the record although you can't see it here, she also greatly enhanced her booty)

On the cooking front, we have discovered that we prefer eggless ice cream recipes.  All the kids made me a birthday cake last week.  It was heavy on the sprinkles and M&Ms which is of course, just how I like it.  Tonight we make meatballs.  I'll let you know how that goes.

First tennis practice, ice cream and OMG have you seen Extreme Couponing?!?

Audrey had her first tennis practice Saturday.  I was informed that 'he (the coach) said he was gonna work us like dogs - and he DID'!  I was not present but Mr. Stone said it was quite a scene and Audrey went limp about 20 minutes in but managed to persevere through the intense and unrelenting 81 degree Kentucky heat.  At break time Brad said one little girl forgot to bring a water bottle and came unglued shouting 'I've never sweated before!' 

(Brad assures me it wasn't Audrey but I am not sure I believe him.)

Anyhow, Audrey learned how to swing a racquet properly and evidently did hit one pro-caliber shot that had everyone gaping.  I guess the coach is learning about Audrey's 'blunt affect' the hard way.  (Audrey has this habit of just staring at you when you tell her something.  It's unnerving quite frankly, especially if you aren't used to it.)  Apparently the coach was trying to hit balls with Audrey and asked if she was ready.  She just stood there, racquet hanging limply at her side, staring blankly at him.  He asked again if she was ready and after a long pause she blinked and finally responded, 'yes'.  As there was no change in her posture or racquet position to indicate readiness you can understand his confusion and reluctance to just fire off a ball at this girl who looks for all the world like she won't see it coming. Thank goodness he had the presence of mind to just go on and hit it and not wait for her to look like she was focused.  He'd be waiting a long time.

On the cooking front Lilly and I made ice cream this weekend.  She had to separate the eggs for the recipe so that was a new skill to acquire.   For the record, it turns out its tons easier to just have them dump the yolk into their hands and let it drain through their fingers than to try to get them to separate it using the halves of the shell. Lesson learned.  Only one egg casualty out of 7 so I was impressed.   The recipe was a honey vanilla ice cream and it really turned out great.  Just need to impress upon her that you just can't turn on a pan and decide to go use the bathroom - fundamental rule of cooking, that as it turns out, is not instinctively understood.

Here's the recipe if you are curious.  I used vanilla extract and half and half instead of cream. 
http://allrecipes.com/Recipe/Honey-Vanilla-Ice-Cream/Detail.aspx

Okay, so am I the last one in the world to see this Extreme Couponing show?  It's like hoarding, but with extreme organization and three-ring binders!  I watched three shows back-to-back last night.  Yes, this is how Mr. Stone and I spend a Saturday night - tucked in bed watching TLC freak shows.  It was FANTASTIC!!  I saw a man purchase 1000 tubes of toothpaste, some other lady buy 112 bottles of Advil PM and another gal buy 40 CASES of Gatorade!  In case you haven't seen this - their whole deal is to create a 'stockpile' of products in their home.  We are talking full-on convenience store stocked shelves type of affair.  One gal had 200 packs of cat treats - no cat - and another gal had like 150 packs of diapers and SHE HAD NO CHILDREN.  I cannot express how fabulous it is!

So today I decided I was going to try.  I cut coupons out of the Sunday paper and went to CVS and Walgreens and purchased $116 worth of stuff for $54.  I have a stockpile of 4 12-packs of Coke products and 16 rolls of paper towels.  Gonna have Mr. Stone build me some shelves in the basement.  Bring on the crazy...!

School is just about out for summer...

and I am trying to figure out how to keep us all busy and sane in the ensuing months.  Usually I send the girls to a day camp but with money tight these days I'm in the unenviable position of being chief wrangler and entertainer for the summer.

For those who don't know - and I can't imagine why in the hell you'd be reading this if you didn't - I have two girls:  Audrey (The Monkey), age 9 and Lillian (The Poker) age 11.  I have to confess that it has often worried me that perhaps my children have special talents that they'll never discover because I never exposed them to it.  What if Audrey is a naturally gifted bagpipes player, or Lilly is super good at Austrailian Rules Football, or that weird hockey game Indian people play with sticks?  We'll never know will we?   I won't say this kept me up at night but I will admit it was something to mentally knock around at 3am while I was lying in bed worrying about other stuff.  It's okay.  I was up anyhow - what's one more thing...?

That's why when Audrey started talking about karate I felt awful.  She's been begging for karate classes for two years now, but around here practice is 3x a week and folks, that's just not happening.  So when she switched her focus to tennis with it's one-practice-and-one-game-per-week schedule, I was delighted.  Well, let's be clear - I was happy for her and Mr. Stone, because this will be his territory.  Tennis and I parted ways in the August 1990 'we'll-go-inside-after-we-volly-it-ten-times-without-missing' incident.  If you are curious about the details, Mr. Stone will be more than happy to recount the tale.  I, however, do not speak of it.

Audrey is thrilled about the prospect of tennis.  I suspect that her excitement, much like her interest in karate, has more to do with the costume than the activity per se.  I also suspect that her 6 degree temperature comfort zone (between 69-75 degrees) and lack of overall coordination and fitness are going to cause her some problems on the court this summer.  Time will tell.  What I do know is she looks damn cute in a tennis skirt.

So The Monkey has her summer activity all mapped out, but Lillian has yet to find her niche.  She claims tennis will be 'bad for her knees'.  Truth is her arthritis would probably be fine, she's just old enough to realize that it's gonna be hot and they're gonna make her run around in it.  Thank you.  No.

So last night she said she had a plan for what she'd like to do this summer. 

Lilly:  'Mommy can you teach me to cook some stuff.  Like more than just scrambled eggs?'

Huh.  Not a terrible idea.  Maybe I can convince her she wants to start doing the laundry...

Anyway, I told her that was a fantastic idea and that since there were about 8 weeks of summer that she should make a list of things she wants to learn to make and we'd take one per week. I realized too late that I think she really just wants to take a cake decorating class.  Her first items were essentially cake decorating skills, of which I have none, so we had to refocus.   (Brianna I may be sending her your way for lessons!)  However, soon the ideas started popping and this is what she came up with (spelling is not our forte')

I'm not a scrapbooker or a journaler by nature.  I rationalize that its the self-indulgent nature of the activities that offends me, but mostly I'm simply too lazy and disorganized for such an activity.  My children are going to have to recreate their childhoods largely with the twenty or so out-of-focus photos I remembered to print and whatever snippets of stories that my addled brain can retain to recount to them in later years. 

So when this cooking thing came up I figured this might be a chance for me to actually document a few things for them.  Which explains why I am writing this silly blog.  My plan is to share the recipe and what happens when you let an 11 year-old loose in your kitchen.  I might even take pictures.  I said might.  I'm really bad about that.  We'll see.  Anyhow, if you can't read the list (and I rearranged the order a bit) this is what we have on tap:

Week 1:  Ice Cream
Week 2:  Meatballs
Week 3:  Strawberry Salad (with chicken, feta and carmalized walnuts)
Week 4:  Fondue
Week 5:  Lasagna
Week 6:  Naan
Week 7:  Butter Chicken
Week 8:  Sugar flowers/cake decorating stuff

I'll keep you posted on how it goes.  If anyone has a super good ice cream recipe please feel free to let me know.  I have one but I'm not wedded to it.  Lilly's favorite flavor is oreo cookie so I think we'll just make vanilla unless someone has something awesome and wangy.