We got back from vacation a few days ago.  On our way down to Florida we stopped in Tennessee for a family get-together with Mr. Stone's side of the family.  We'd been invited by my brother-in-law's SpecialLadyFriend to spend the weekend at her lake house.  By calling it a 'lake house' I mean only that it is in fact a house located on a lake; however, that is where any comparison to any other lake house you may have ever seen in your life ends. 

You see, my brother-in-law dates a woman of considerable means.  She's a lovely and generous person to boot, but I have to admit that to me, she seems to live such a shockingly extravagant lifestyle that it's really sometimes difficult to get my head around it.  And it's SUPER hard to to explain to my children.

This is our second real experience with this.  The first time was about two years ago right after Mr. Stone's brother and his SpecialLadyFriend began dating.  The Christmas before our visit my BIL gave my MIL a mink coat for Christmas.  Just a little something to wear to Kroger I suppose.  No I'm not pro-furs, but hell, when you are 80 I figure you can wear a mink to the toilet if you want to.  Anyhow, turns out there's a lot I didn't know about being rich, one of which is that evidently minks like to be stored in a cool vault in the summertime.  Who knew, right?  So we got a call that we were invited to to to Nashville in October to participate in the emancipation of Grandma's mink from cold storage.

I of course wouldn't have missed that for the world!

So off we went.  The girls were about 6 and 8 at the time.  Mink liberated from cold storage?  Check!  Then my BIL asked if we wanted to see his SpecialLadyFriend's house.  Shit yeah!  I'd heard it was like 45,000 square feet and no realtor worth her salt would miss that.  My BIL then asked my girls if they wanted to ride to the house in his BMW convertible.  Shit yeah again!  Chalk that one off the bucket list at age 6! 

Ride in Beemer convertible.  Check!  The kids were grinning so wide I knew they'd have bugs in their teeth when we arrived.

Anyway we get there and it's truly the largest and most amazing place I've ever seen in my life.  We were given the grand tour of the home, but for my money the best part of the whole house was the basement.  The basement contained a 3000 bottle wine cellar and tasting room (she's part owner of a Napa vineyard or something like that), a panic room with a urinal that I was told was installed expressly for George H. W. Bush at the request of secret service during his appearance at a fundraiser many years ago, and a gift and gift wrapping room that had piles upon piles of mink bedazzled jackets, handbags, and other last minute gift items.  As we passed through the gift room my children were given an armload of stuffed toys, hair ornaments and other fantastic items and my MIL received a brand new handbag. 

SWAG?  Check!

We walked upstairs with our loot where preparations were underway for her son's 16th birthday party.  She then asked the girls if they wanted to take some apples to feed the horses (that's horseS plural - as in more than one).  Shit yeah!  Off we went to the stables. 

Horses viewed, petted and fed tasty treats?  Check! 

We walked down around the lake that was in the process of being dyed blue for the birthday boy (and no, do you really think I have the imagination to make that up?) where we encountered a trampoline much to the girls delight.  Of course there's a trampoline!  And yes, obviously you must jump on it - no question!  Trampoline jumped on?  Check!

Getting back to normal daily non-convertible riding life was quite an adjustment for the girls after that trip.  (No we cannot dig a lake in the back yard and dye it blue...!)  So it was with great anticipation that we made the sojourn to the lake house last week.  We knew it was big - we'd been prepared that there were 23 beds in the property.

Audrey:  'Mommy, they have 23 beds!  Can you even imagine such a thing?!  This is the nicest lake house I've ever seen!' 
(Also the only lake house she's ever seen but...)
Me:  'No I can't.  And it's the nicest place 99% of the people on the entire EARTH have ever seen so take a good hard look my dear.'

The house was constructed using the material from four old log cabins that were meticulously disassembled, numbered and reassembled on site.  The place was amazing and did in fact, have 23 beds.  I had Audrey count them.  Twice.  There were some trundles that caused us some problems at first, but we did eventually get an accurate count.

Twenty-three bed count verified?  Check!

What I soon realized that having an amazing lake house was not the whole deal - the crux of the matter was staffing.  If you want to fully experience it, you need a housekeeper to keep things tidy, a cook to keep you in tasty meals and snacks, and a couple of guys to make sure the boats and jet skis are full of gas and operational. 

Army of friendly helpful staff?  Check!

Oh, and then you need your lake house wine cellar.  Amazing wine stored and served at the proper temperature?  Check!

The rest of the trip was a blur of wine and watersports.  I did not attend the inaugural jet ski event and what I heard after the girls returned home did give me pause...

Audrey/Lilly: (more or less simultaneously)  Mommywewentonjetskisanditwassocoolandthenwejumpedofftheroof!
Me:  You did what now?
Lilly:  We jumped off the roof of the dock!
Me:  You jumped off the dock?
Lilly/Audrey:  We jumped off the ROOF of the dock!
Me: Wha-!
Audrey:  And I jumped off a super high rock cliff

At this point there was an audible SNAP as my head whipped around so quickly to glare at Mr. Stone that it broke the sound barrier.

Mr. Stone was staring sheepishly at his shoes with that 'yeah, I know, the whole situation kinda got away from me' look on his face.

After assurances that they had been wearing life vests and that it was all quite safe I settled down.  That is until I joined them for the afternoon jaunt and the whole thing was recreated for my benefit and I actually SAW what they had been permitted to do!

THIS is them jumping off the dock...

And this is my baby jumping off what looks to me like one of those enormous Mexican cliffs...

AreyoufreakingKIDDINGme?!?!  I was told one time this is why you have two parents cause their fear-of-heights Momma would have never green-lighted that one!

Death defied?  Check!  And that is all I'm going to say about that.

Suffice it to say that a fantastic time was had by all and after two days my children were ready to chuck the entire beach vacation in lieu of staying at the most fantastic place ever.  It was quite an adjustment to experience life in a Florida gulfview condo with no staff, wine cellar or watercraft, but somehow we muddled through...